Kirk smiled tightly. "He's not an option for me," he said, with a lightness he didn't feel. His mind filled in what he couldn't say aloud: He already told me I don't have a shot in hell because I'm a slut who's not worth his friendship.
A stab of heartbreak abruptly sliced through Kirk's brain - joined by the sudden shattering sound of glass breaking.
Kirk jerked his gaze from the waitress to Spock. The Vulcan had dropped his Cardassian Sunrise, and Spock's now-empty hands were shaking. "Hey," Kirk said in concern. "Are you okay?"
Spock didn't answer. Instead, he pressed his palms together firmly. "I request that you leave us," he said to the waitress.
She gestured at the broken glass and spilled drink on the floor. "But - "
"Immediately." Spock bit the word out almost rudely and the waitress couldn't leave fast enough.
Kirk stared at him. Spock actually looked distressed, and the sense of penitence in Kirk's head was overpowering. "Spock," Kirk said seriously, as his captain's concern for his subordinate officer took over. "Something's wrong. I think I should call Bones and have him - "
"Please eat."
"What? Eat? But I think you're sick. I should get Bones and - what?" Kirk asked self-consciously, finding himself the target of a lost, almost helpless stare. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"You are a wonder," Spock said hoarsely. "Despite my rejection, you experience concern for my well-being."
Kirk felt his cheeks redden. "I am your captain," he said, embarrassment making him snappish. "Of course I care. And if you're sick - "
"I am not ill. And I do not require the services of Dr. McCoy. He cannot fix what I have done."
"Commander," Kirk said, purposefully using Spock's rank. "I'm not sure - "
"Jim." Spock pushed the plate forward. "Eat."
Kirk furrowed his brow. He looked at the plate of food appraisingly, and realized Spock, the most die-hard vegetarian he knew, had ordered him some kind of meat. And it looked delicious. His hand went for his fork. "Fine," he said, pulling the plate closer. "I eat, you explain?"
"Acceptable." Spock watched as Kirk dug in. He took a breath. "I have done something contemptible."
"You?"
"Yes. I grievously hurt the being I should have most cherished."
Kirk's heart plummeted. "You came to me to talk about Uhura?" he said, shocked that even Spock could be so callous.
"No," Spock blurted, and shook his head almost violently. "No - certainly not - never."
"Okay then," Kirk said warily, trying to steady his heart and quell the instinct to run from Spock, who always managed to wield his words like weapons and leave Kirk bleeding. "What exactly did you do?"
Spock took another breath. "Without obtaining your consent, without even your knowledge, I created a bond with you."
"A bond?" Kirk didn't know what a bond was but he seized on the word as an explanation. "Is that what the thing in my head's called?"
Spock looked up in surprise. "You are already aware of the bond?"
Kirk nodded. "I heard you talking to it earlier."
"It?" Spock seemed puzzled by Kirk's choice of words.
"Yeah, I heard all your cooing and mushy Vulcan baby talk."
Spock blinked. "My what?"
It was just as Kirk had suspected. Spock hadn't planned for Kirk to be involved. "Is the bond why I keep getting all these crazy feelings from you, all this jealousy and possessiveness and guilt?" Kirk snorted. "Although I've got no clue why you'd be feeling like this, unless - " A possibly suddenly occurred to him. "Is it the bond? Is that what makes you feel this way?"
Spock furrowed his brow. "That is not exactly accurate," he said slowly. "But I suppose it is not entirely incorrect."
"Close enough," Kirk said. It was all starting to make some kind of sense - well, as much sense as Vulcans and their alien telepathy ever made. "So you accidentally put this bond in my head?"
Spock dropped his gaze to the table. "Yes. I did not do it with conscious awareness, but I take ownership of my actions nonetheless."
Bingo. Spock's miserable emotions were probably caused by the bond being stuck in Kirk's not-good mind. Kirk's throat tightened. It would have been nice if, just once, he didn't completely repulse Spock. At least he hadn't been stupid enough to get his hopes up that Spock's words and feelings had been meant for him. “Well, sorry it got itself lost in my head. You can have it back now.”
Spock stared at him. “I beg your pardon?"
"You can have it back."
"Have it back?"
“You like it, you don’t like me,” Kirk said patiently. “So I'm assuming you want your bond thing back.”
Spock opened his mouth, then closed it without saying anything.
Kirk sighed and tried not to sound bitter. “Look, I know you don’t want me, okay?"
"But - "
"And I know you must be upset that this thing of yours, this - bond, this mental pet or whatever it is, somehow ended up in my head."
"I - "
"But it would be needlessly cruel, even for you, to leave that thing in my mind where I have to hear and feel you being all sweet to it when I know how much you loathe me.”
"Needlessly cruel." Spock swallowed. "Even for me." He closed his eyes, palms steepled together in front of his mouth, and Kirk suddenly realized that Spock was shaking again. “Jim,” he said, the syllable strained.
Kirk braced himself for something truly horrible, but Spock’s next words shocked him to his core.
“I have so many apologies to make to you that I find I do not have the words to begin.”
“Come again?”
Spock opened haunted eyes. “I have wronged you egregiously," he said quietly. His next words were whispered so softly that Kirk had to strain to hear him. “I will understand if my actions are beyond forgiveness.”
Kirk blinked. “Wronged me?” he asked, bewildered. “Wronged me how?”
"You are ta'an, Jim - a gift. And I rejected you."
